Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Local Man is Confident He Performed Well on Ballot, Despite Hangover (Profile of a Millennial Voter)

It is 8:00 a.m. Chris Libe stumbles out of bed to a harsh world. As he makes his way through his studio apartment, in a desperate search for some aspirin and glass of water, he is greeted by the relics of last night's party; there are empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans strewn about, an empty bottle of Wild Turkey, two ash trays full of cigarette butts, and a three foot bong hanging precariously on the edge the coffee table. It is 8:00 a.m. and Chris has just realized today is election day and he has to vote. "Oh, fuck man, my head feels like a fucking--it feels like shit, you know. Fuck."

Chris's predicament isn't unique to him, every four years millions of young Americans party the night before they have to go to the polls to vote. It is estimated that such 'hangover voting', as its called, results in huge numbers of unintended Republican votes and an equal number lost votes for Democrats and third-party candidates.

"Its a real problem," says Democratic strategist Coco Rosli. "Often these young Americans don't realize what a disservice they are doing to themselves and our candidates when they drink and vote. They think they can just down a cup of coffee, take three aspirin, have a shot have Yeager and they'll be fine, but the opposite is true." In fact, Rosli says that there are documented cases of habitual-marijuana users actually voting against propositions to legalize small amounts of marijuana because they are so lit.

As for Chris, he sticks with a Monster energy drink and some cold pizza. After that, "good breakfast" he seems to perk up a little. However, when he arrives at the polling place he is faced with an hour wait. For the first 15 minutes, Chris, a young student, seems almost excited. He talks about the party the night before, "That shit was awesome. Oh man, I totally dodged a bullet this morning. I am actually feeling prettyyyy, preettyyy, preeeettyyyy good."

This is a reference to 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' he seems to make a lot. When at first I don't immediately show signs of getting the reference, he asks me if I watch the show. When I tell him that I had indeed seen the show he begins asking me if I remember specific episodes, such as "the one where Larry gets a pube' stuck in his throat after going down on Cheryl."

When I try to ask him about some of the issues that he finds important he mumbles something about "injustice", mentions the word "regime" several times in concert with the word "establishment" and finally concludes with, "Sarah Palin is hot, though."

At this point, Chris appears as though he might be ill. The conversation falls silent and a few minutes later he is obviously trying to suppresses heaves. When the heaves stop, Chris begins talking about how he doesn't know, "...why they have to have these damn tests so early in the morning."

At this point, I am beginning to get the impression that Chris is very confused and when Chris finally gets his ballot and he turns and looks at me and says, "Wish me luck," my suspicions are confirmed.

Forty minutes later, Chris emerges from the voting booth. When I ask how he feels about the whole process he says that he thinks he did a pretty good job, but that he had trouble filling in the bubbles with a No. 2 pencil "without going outside the lines", that he was sort of distracted by the "hot Asian" girl voting in the booth next to his, but that he was glad that there was no essay portion. All in all, he expects to score at least a 22.

*all the characters in this article are completely fictional--mostly. i apologize for the fact that this story is completely moot now that Obama won. i would have published it on election day, but i didn't come up with the idea until after i voted this afternoon. btw, i am stoked obama is the president elect. America deserves more credit than i give it.

1 comment:

  1. I love Coco! Chris barfed in the voting booth right? And I don't believe for a second that this is fictional.